Back in the 90’s, my parents had a house on Lake Michigan in Grand Beach, MI. It was a nice, rustic, log cabin-like house about 2 blocks from the beach. We went up there on weekends to get away from the city. It was big enough to bring our friends (Tom & Karen, George & Alex, and Jim) and, of course, Dead Tony.

One particular late summer weekend we were up there and everyone wanted to go swimming. I’m not really hip to the whole beach scene so I stayed back at the house watching TV.

Of note here is that Karen is a short lady, but, has/had an enormous chest. In fact, Dead Tony usually fawned over her “rack” whenever she was around. That reminds me of another famous quip of Dead Tony’s that I’ll share at a later date. One involving him drunk in the back seat of my car and Karen and I in the front. It was classic Dead Tony.

Anyway, back to the story. So they all go swimming, and it’s windy as hell. The waves were probably 2-3 maybe 4 feet. Unusual for this side of the lake. They were gone about an hour when Dead Tony comes running in the house yelling. I can’t quite make out what he’s saying, I yell downstairs, “What?” 

“Those things aren’t real!” he screamed.

“What things?” I said.

“Those tits! They can’t be fucking real!” Again, screaming.

I shook my head, not knowing what to make of all this. About that time the rest of the crowd showed up, Dead Tony skulked off snickering and giggling (as he usually did). The full story was then revealed.

Karen was in a bathing suit that was a few sizes too large and didn’t quite “stay up”. While they were cavorting out in the waves, a large wave hit Karen from behind and knocked the top of her bathing suit off and revealed the “fantastic monster tits” as Dead Tony put it. Apparently, the moment he saw them, he ran back to the house to tell me, yelling the entire way “Herman! Herman! Those things aren’t real!”

Ah, good times…

P.S. Thanks Karen for reminding me of that story.